Relationship Advice - Ask Kathy
Q. My husband walked out on me ten years ago when my children were very young, and we haven’t seen him since. It has been extremely hard for me all this time and I haven’t gotten over it. Since then, I have not had any relationships. My children, a boy age eleven and a girl, thirteen, need a father around, and I want them to have one—especially my son, but I’m terrified of dating again. Plus, I’m 45. What are my odds of finding someone decent? My self-esteem is zero, but I am working on my weight (I have around thirty pounds to lose). I am lucky to have a new job that I find fulfilling. I feel the time has come to jump back into dating, but I’m nervous.
A. First of all, 45 isn’t too late for anything. It’s never to late to find love. However, you should only look for a new man if you want to be in a relationship again-- not because you think you ought to provide a stepfather for your children.
I am concerned by you saying: 'I have not gotten over it', when referring to your marriage that ended ten years ago. To get involved in a new relationship, when you haven't got over the loss of a previous one, is asking for trouble. You also say you have zero self-esteem. I suggest you get some professional help before you look for a love interest. It’s true that you really can’t love anyone properly until you have learned to love yourself. There are plenty of low cost counseling services where payment is on a sliding scale, so sessions are priced in accordance with your income. Your doctor or a local hospital can point you in the right direction. Besides helping you get over your ex, counseling will help you appreciate your own self-worth. Once you do that, dating will come much more naturally, and you will attract the sort of man you really want to be with. My advice is to continue your very sensible strategy of self-improvement. As far as male influences for your son, uncles, grandpas and coaches can provide invaluable guidance and companionship. While it may be a nice fantasy, bringing a stepfather into the mix, especially at the teen and pre-teen years, isn’t a always the recipe for a peaceful, happy home life. If you decide to start dating again, pick someone because he’s a good complement to a healthy, confident you. Whether or not your children agree totally with your choice, they will at least respect why you’ve made it.
Here are questions I get about online profiles and photos:
Q. From a female: I’ve had my profile up for a while and I am not getting any hits. When I respond to someone else’s profile, I start my email with “Hi, noticed your profile and I think we have lots in common.” Then I mention a few things to show I’ve actually read their profile. I don’t put up a photo of myself because I am a private person and don’t want myself out there, but I will send a photo to someone when I feel comfortable with them. I say this in my profile. Can you offer any suggestions to improve my odds?
A. I’m guessing here that your low response rate has nothing to do with what you say, and everything to do with not posting your picture. A string of words can’t bring a person to life, like a photo of, say, you on a kayaking expedition can. When a photo isn't posted, the reader tends to worry that you're hiding something, that you have control issues or that you're not truly open to the possibilities around you … even if you think you are. While I understand that it can be nerve-wracking to really put yourself online, I also know that anything in life that's worth having involves taking a risk -- whether it's accepting a new job, buying a house or starting a new relationship -- and that it's a good way to maximize your chance of getting an amazing reward. If you're still uncomfortable with the idea of posting a picture for personal or professional reasons, all is not lost as long as you understand that doing so may limit your possibilities. <
How 110 Women Made the First Move to Capture the Men of their Dreams
Read an excerpt
Garden of Weavin'
Can't wait for your plants to bloom? Make a bouquet of big, bold sunflowers out of yarn and paper plates.
CRAFT MATERIALS:
- Yellow paper plate n
- Yellow Yarn
- Brown Yarn
- Green Paint
- Stick
Time needed: Afternoon or Evening
1. To make a yarn sunflower, first cut an odd number of petals around the edge of a yellow paper plate. Tape the end of a length of yellow yarn (we used 16 feet for the dinner plates) to the back. Wrap the yarn around the plate, going from one notch to its match across the plate. Tie the two ends together at the back.
2. Next, to make the weaving easier, wind up a bobbin. Start by anchoring the end of a 5- or 6-yard length of brown yarn by winding it around your forefinger a couple of times. Then wrap the rest of the yarn around your whole hand. When you have about a foot left, carefully pull the wound yarn from your hand. Wrap the loose end around the center of this yarn a few times and tie it to secure
3. Find the end of the yarn inside the bobbin and tie it around the intersection of the yellow yarn on the plate's front. Weave the brown yarn around the spokes of yellow yarn, as shown. The yarn should pull neatly from the inside of the bobbin. If you run out of yarn, make and tie on a new bobbin.
4. When your blossom is done, tuck the end of the yarn under the woven section. For a stem, paint a stick green, and tuck it into the yarn on the back of the plate.
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Dating Tips
DATING TIPS: Breaking Up is Hard to Do
Unless you marry your first love, you’re likely to face a break-up or two in your dating life. Breakups can be miserable—but so can staying one more day in a relationship that is passionless, quarrelsome or stuck on a slow track to nowhere.
So how do you end a relationship so you minimize damage to both you and your partner?
1. If you still have strong feelings, satisfy yourself that you’ve done everything possible to make things work. A good first step might be a frank conversation between the two of you about your dreams and goals, particularly if they’ve changed, and things are not running as smoothly as they did when you first met. Consider visiting a relationship counselor together for some practical modifications you can each make. Next, satisfy yourself that a fear of commitment is not your reason for running; do you have a pattern of wanting out when things get a little too close? Experts say it helps to write down on paper your reasons for staying and for leaving in two columns and then really examining what you’ve written. If after plenty of soul searching you decide the cord must be cut, you’ll find that by carefully assessing your reasons for wanting out, you’ll be clearer and more articulate when you explain your feelings to your partner.
2. When it’s time to deliver the news, do so kindly and fairly. No provoking a fight so he or she storms out first.
3. Do it sooner rather than later. If you delay once your mind is made up, your feelings will come out in unattractive ways. Passive-aggressive behaviors that push the other person to break up with you are, in a word, cowardly.
4. Never end a relationship in a public forum. Bringing someone to the verge of tears over a bowl of sushi is bad form. If the weather is agreeable, try meeting in a local park or suggest a walk. If it’s the dead of winter, either pile up the layers or invite your friend over to your place for a light lunch. Car rides are absolutely not an option: What you’re about to say isn’t news to you, but you can’t anticipate how your partner will react.
5. Now comes the tough part: How do you do it? If you ever cared for this person, you owe him or her your honesty. No below the belt shots here, and none of that ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ nonsense, unless it really is about you.
6. Explain your feelings, but don’t make it a monologue. It is kind to allow the other person to respond. You may even learn something. Of course, you may also find yourself on the receiving end of anger, tears, even outrage. And you may even start feeling guilty, particularly if you didn’t take the first steps to examine your reasons for wanting out. But if you’ve satisfied yourself that this is the only way, stick to your guns. Irony of ironies, you may find your partner agreeing that it isn’t working for them, either!
My neighbor, George, dated a wonderful woman named Melissa a while back. In their final few months together, Melissa received full custody of her two little girls, ages 4 and 6. George, on the other hand, had a son in college and was finished with active parenting duties. Suddenly, every weekend and weeknight included her girls, and George found himself on the horns of a dilemma. A former navy seal who never lost his sense of adventure, George spent most weekends with Melissa before the custody change, skydiving, sailing and taking long bike rides. He was falling in love with her, and as much as he enjoyed the girls, he resented the family activities taking precedence over his usual adult thrills. George just didn’t want to be tethered to family life anymore. He explained to Melissa that, while it probably sounded selfish, if he didn’t honor his needs, he would come to resent her and her kids. Hearing his crystal clear expression made it easy for her to agree that he was not the right man for her. It made it so much easier for her to let go.
7. Avoid saying these three words ‘Let’s be friends’ when you end a romantic relationship. It is too tempting to view the other person as a cushy resource when things go wrong in your dating life. To start fresh, you need to review why things didn’t work out and move on. Otherwise, you risk getting back together—isn’t an old shoe always more comfortable at first than a new one?—and setting yourself up for an inevitable second breakup.
8. Finally, spend some time doing things you didn’t or couldn’t do when you were in your relationship. She would never try rollerblading with you? Take some lessons in the nearest park. He hated museums? Spend the next few Saturdays exploring the Impressionist wing.
Like every relationship, the one you have with yourself needs nurturing to be healthy. And once you are right with yourself, and having a good time without depending on anybody else, you are infinitely more attractive to the outside world, should you decide to start dating someone new.
Remember, every door that closes, brings you closer to opening a new door. But you can’t enter that new door with your foot still planted in the old one.
Read Kathy Schwadel's book for more great information
How 110 Women Made the First Move to Capture the Men of their Dreams
Read an excerpt
Fun Recipes
Sherbet the Frog
This cool amphibian-inspired snack makes a refreshing treat on a hot summer day.
Ingredients:
- Lime sherbet
- Green decorators' gel r
- Junior Mints
- Green gummy ring candy
Directions:
1. To make one, set a scoop of lime sherbet on a small green paper plate (trim the plate to resemble a lily pad first, if you like).
2. Cut one green gummy ring candy into quarters and place the four pieces under the sherbet scoop for feet.
3. Set a Junior Mint candy and half a gummy ring in place for each eye. Finally, add a green decorators' gel mouth and nostrils.
This month's recipe comes from www.FamilyFun.com
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